Honesty is hard when it concerns being honest with myself and my feelings. What do I feel, what do I need.
The question that people in general don’t honestly answer is when they are asked: “How are you doing?”. How often do we say: “Fine.”, when that is not the case. Just a simple, short answer. Where in fact we’re not telling the truth. And how often do we tell this little lie to ourselves?
Pretending that everything is fine, while it is not?
What will this little lie do to us? Is it helping us or not?
For me it feels that I am not allowing myself to fully be. It feels that I have to be fine, when the truth is that I might not be. It feels I am denying part of myself out of easyness.
How often do you ask yourself: “how am I doing? How am I really doing?” Have you asked yourself this today?
And asking yourself how you are and listening to your answer. Fully listening with empathy, doesn’t that make you feel good.
For me this goes on the same level as looking in the mirror and genuinly being able to say to yourself: “I love you!”
But back to honesty. Lately I haven’t been feeling well. I am tired, cranky and I have become the monster mama a number of times. I don’t like myself when I am acting like this and I know I am acting like this because I am not feeling well. I am stressed. I know it is a sign I need to take better care of my own needs. Meanwhile I am not even able to give myself empathy and I see myself acting like a little kid who is having a hard time. And actually, I feel lost. I don’t know what to do with myself, how I can help me feel better.
And I feel guilty, I have this image in my head of what kind of mom I want to be for my boys and I want to be this person. Set the example. And I feel like I am not good enough, that I am failing them when I have moments like this. I know in the back of my mind, that I am human too and I am not failing them. I have a need to take care of them, I love them and I want them to be happy. But I feel guilty either way.
Yesterday I read something my friend posted. She is this power woman, never afraid of showing her fears (so it seems) and never afraid to ask for help. And it inspired me. I can ask for help! I can ask for empathy. I can… but I don’t know how.
I guess I am afraid of rejection. No that’s not it, I am not sure what I am asking for. I guess this is my own invitation to start practicing.
The good thing about practicing is that once you have decided you want to practice and you have kids, you have the availability of true non-violent communicators depending on their age. Maximan noticed the other day that I was so upset and he looked up from his work and simply said to me: “Mom, I think you are stressed. I see you are having a hard time. You don’t like that the kitchen is a mess. What do you need? Can I give you a hug?” That made my heart melt. He was so right about me being stressed and why. And yes a hug really helped.
Saying what you observe in a person, how they respond to certain events or just observing their actions gives the space within a person to let emotions go and heal.
The other day Midiman was so upset and I only mentioned “I see you are so upset and you are crying”, and than I started guessing “do you like to play with the toy Miniman is playing with?”. He wasn’t sad about that and the guessing continued. Eventually we discovered he had to use the bathroom, and after that he was fine.
Sometimes you are so far removed from what it is you need, that it is nice when you can get some help. You just don’t know what you need, all you know is right now you don’t feel good. Like what I am experiencing right now. And I am on overload, I don’t know how to be there for me.